Missing you..

I miss that pregnant me. the one with awesome mood. with great skin, with energy.

my mood sux big time that I feel quite apologetic to my hub (though I don't show it) that he has such a lousy wife. At this point of writing, I feel like telling him, "Dear husband, I cannot make it anymore, please find yourself another wife." On the other hand, I feel so frustrated with him that I can write a list of "how to love your wife better". The top of my list is "When you look at your daughter, please don't forget it's your wife who give life to this little being". I feel that a new baby has caused a drift between us. He hardly show appreciation to me and it's worse, he looks at his daughter first and only his daughter. Well, my cousin-in-law said he will come back to me after we have three kids. But I don't know if I can wait til then. For now i just hope he keep telling me and re-enforcing that I did and done and doing great. I need a lot of assurance to go on.

And I feel so angry with him for not contributing his share of load, most of the time he is on ipad. I think I am plain jealous then. HE CAN USE IPAD and watch teevee too! And sleep quite well until recently I cannot take it and wakes him up. Darn.

my skin is getting so bad. I have no time to go facial. work and fussy baby contributed to it.

energy. I am so zapped. Before delivery and even pregnancy, I feel tired easily. I hit low batt easily. It's worse now! I am totally drained. My battery is 0% most of the time and even using reserve. I have no entertainment, I just sit here and wait for baby to cry. because I barely make time for shower. My mum said she can easily slept 3, 4 hours without me. But when I am around, she is awake 60% of the time, fussing in sleep another 20%. The remaining 20% she bestowed to me, I used it for shower, eat, facebook, stone and feel tired. LUCKILY, my mum and dad help! To the extent that I just let them handle the baby while I eat my noodles, like a disinterested stranger. My hub contributed his energy sometimes, and help when I send SOS. It was miraculous sometimes to see him sleeping beside a sleeping baby (1 hour after I threw the fussy baby to him).

I still wakes up about 2 times a night. And I am still breastfeeding to make myself useful. I started having wind sound in my ear, my bodyaches worsen so much.

Basically I feel like disappearing. But it's a job I can't quit, so please bear with my bitching!