Guilt

WAS feeling pretty good mood, feeling pretty and enjoying some results of my past days' hardwork. But everything came tumbling down.

My bf was hungry so he drove to the supposedly nearest place to eat dinner. Nasi Lemak. I just had that for breakfast. I didn't go for run this morning. Then sense of guilt came over me. I started to point fingers. But in fact, I blamed myself. I am such a weakling. Yes, I can just refuse to eat but I ordered and finished the food.

That reminded me of the channel U show, secret garden, where this girl Yanyan suffered from Bulimia. She reminds me of myself. Everyone said she is not fat. She is indeed in a healthy BMI but her round face makes her look fat. So she forces herself to be on diet, but when she hit a certain point, she binge. After her binge-ing, she was overwhelmed by guilt and she self-induced vomit.

There was a scene when Dr Beng saw her binge-ing. She said "Sorry, I can't control.. " and continue to eat. I feel for her. I feel alot for that scene! I feel that that was me. I couldn't control.

I guess I hit a mini bulimia episode. It wasn't serious. I restrainted myself from eating too much, in fact I pushed myself over the limit over the last few days because I was desperate. And finally today, I ordered, I ate. I couldn't control even though I know I shouldn't do it. When I reached home, I forced myself to vomit. All arising from my sense of guilt.

That wasn't the first time. That won't be the last. I have low self-esteem. I couldn't control. Yes, it's all in my mind. And I am a weakling.