grieve

was re-reading my sister's blog (locked and shared with her friends one).

I laughed, I cried.

the entries ran from 2005 and 2006 when she was in poly. she was complaining lots on penniless and boredom. thank god she left us lotsa photos and memories. just a normal young pretty babe worrying about all normal things in life.

In 2007, she finished her poly studies and went ahead with ACCA because she couldn't get a place in NTU accountancy (something I managed to do with no pride or whatsoever).

Until 2008, her mood was really bad then because the pain started to be more intense. She was already having pain since 1998 but she didn't whined about it coz she don't wanna let us worry.

Despite the pain, she went to work and study. In 2008, the no of entries started to lessen. I think she don't have the mood to blog coz she had very bad quality of sleep due to the pain.

In 2009, she started to look forward to May, her recovery, her Nana and growing her hair. Umpteen times, she was hospitalised after every chemo coz of weak immunity and low blood count. When she was hospitalised, the no of entries increased because she was bored in hospital. Could sense that she was full of hope.

We told ourselves then, let 2009 be empty in our memories because it's full of torment. Let's give ourselves one year to solve the pain that she was going through, the tumor torturing her. Nobody was going to visit her in 2009, that's my promise to her.

Then in May, everything was rosy. She looked forward to recovery, the greatest 22th birthday present. Come June, she got her Nana. She bathed her, cleaned the room all by herself.

"im so glad tt i can walk normally w/o feeling tired now. it's something so normal to all of you but so hard for mi to achieve. Im quite contented alrdy.

if my hair grows out, i'll be 99% contented. nth to ask for. last time used to ask myself, why am i so unlucky? why i couldnt wear sleeveless clothes like how i used to? my sis once asked mi, do i hate them for dragging mi to do the operation? nope, and i'm glad tt it was mi who suffered, not anyone of them. if i've never went thru these, i would never understand simplicity is the greatest joy. i would never understand being a normal person can be so happy. i had never cherish being normal in the past."

This was her entry in 2009. We thought everything is fine. If God is going to take her away, it will be 20 years later, not now.

In Sept 2009, we were devastated. They found nodules in her lungs, likely to be cancerous. Her oncologist gave her a pat on the shoulder and said they are no longer looking for a cure for her, now it's about prolonging her life.

But still we were still hopeful about finding a cure, prolonging her life to 20 years at least. If not, we were prepared that she will leave us maybe 3-5 years later. I kept telling her she cannot die, because we are not gg to take care of Nana for her. I was hoping she rem my words and keep on hanging on for a miracle to happen.

Oct to Jan was about spending the days normally. we love to have her at home but by then I was angry with her because she don't like my bf. I was thinking how can she be so petty and unforgiving when I have done so much for her. During that period, I was busy with my new job too. I used that as an excuse, I neglected her, sorry baby sis.

In fact, she only blogged it down in her private blog and she tried very hard not to show any negative emotions in front of me.

Even in Feb/mar, I didn't really spend as much time with her coz I thought there is still time. No there wasn't. She left abruptly, leaving all of us stunned. In Mar, she didn't blog at all coz she was always on bed, already having difficulty taking each precious breath. Such simple thing we are doing normally every few sec. But it took her lots of energy to take each breath, and with the reliance of the oxygen machine.

My cousins searched for help online and we found a technology - Cryosurgery. Hope lit up in early Mar, I emailed the doctors in Guangzhou and Europe. That fateful day you were supposed to not to make it, the european doctor replied hoping that his american counterparts can help. I believed it was a miracle, perhaps some hint from God that you can still make it. I replied him with hope.

Wed, the news reported that papaya leaf can cure cancer (unlike others like soursop which prevent cancer). We still want to pluck some leaves for you the next day.

Thursday morning you left. I got a reply from Guangzhou saying they can't help. But the european doc replied saying he can mail me some supplement med for you to try and asked me for address. It was all too late. The miracles (if they really were) all came too late for you.

It may sound cliche but please cherish your family. I am trying to spend more time with my parents recently. Others may see it as escaping from work. But simple things like just spending the time with them really help them to cope with the grief that I am going through. The house was full of her happiness, laughter and voice. I know my mom is still upset when I showed her her photos today. Even though they are trying to live normally everyday, it must be hard for them to go through each day staying at home without her around.